How to Embrace Self-Compassion: A Powerful Tool for Thriving with ADHD
For people with ADHD, self-compassion is more than a mental health strategy—it's a key to thriving in a world often designed for different minds.
If you've ever felt "not good enough," struggled with imposter syndrome, or found yourself harshly criticizing your ADHD-related challenges, self-compassion offers a transformative alternative. It provides a way to embrace your unique neurodivergent traits with kindness and understanding, fostering a healthier sense of self and a more empowering relationship with who you are.
The Ancient Roots of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is rooted in ancient Buddhist teachings and has been recognized as a central element of well-being and inner peace for centuries. Vietnamese Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh emphasized self-compassion as an essential practice, stating:
"Caring for yourself, reestablishing peace in yourself, is the basic condition for helping someone else" (Hanh, 2012, p. 114).
More recently, researchers like Dr. Kristin Neff have studied self-compassion extensively, defining it as offering ourselves the same kindness and understanding we'd show a loved one in tough times.
Why Self-Compassion Matters for ADHDers
You might be wondering: why is self-compassion particularly important for people with ADHD?
Self-compassion provides a powerful counterbalance to neuronormativity—the assumption that neurotypical traits, behaviors, and ways of experiencing the world are the standard or "normal" way to function (Saline, 2022). This assumption often leads to biases, stigma, and unrealistic expectations placed on neurodivergent folks, including ADHDers, causing us to feel "less than."
Over time, comparing ourselves to neurotypical standards and falling short of society's expectations can cause ADHDers to internalize the belief that our differences are deficits. This internalization can lead to:
Low self-esteem
Feelings of not being good enough
Imposter syndrome
Shame and isolation
Chronic self-criticism
If you've experienced these thoughts and feelings, I encourage you to ask yourself: "Where does this come from? Is this an accurate evaluation of myself, or is this neuronormativity at play?"
Self-compassion challenges this harmful narrative. It offers a way to embrace our unique neurodivergent traits with kindness and understanding, fostering a healthier sense of self and helping us embrace our neurodivergent identities with pride rather than shame.
A more positive self-concept can greatly improve emotional well-being and build resilience against a society that may not fully understand or accommodate our experiences. I like to think of self-compassion as a powerful tool for creating a supportive, empowering relationship with ourselves—one that is essential for thriving with ADHD and embracing our authentic selves.
The Three Pillars of Self-Compassion
Dr. Kristin Neff identifies three key components of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness (Neff, 2021). Here's how these three pillars play an essential role in cultivating self-compassion, especially for ADHDers:
1. Mindfulness
Mindfulness means being fully present with all our emotions—difficult ones included—without judging ourselves. Rather than becoming overwhelmed by or dismissive of these feelings, we observe them openly, responding to pain with understanding rather than criticism.
For ADHDers, who may experience intense emotions and emotional dysregulation, practicing mindfulness allows us to step back from the moment's intensity. This approach to observing emotions without judgment acts as the foundation of self-compassion.
In practice: When you forget an important appointment or lose your keys again, mindfulness means noticing the frustration without adding layers of self-judgment like "I'm such a failure" or "I can't do anything right." You simply observe: "I'm feeling frustrated right now."
2. Common Humanity
Common humanity is the recognition that everyone experiences challenges, setbacks, and imperfections. We're all struggling with something—it's part of being human.
ADHDers often grow up comparing themselves to neurotypical peers, feeling the weight of neuronormativity, which leads to feelings of shame and isolation. We may think, "Everyone else can manage this—why can't I?" or "I'm the only one who struggles like this."
By embracing common humanity, we begin to see that everyone struggles in different ways. This connectedness reduces self-blame, fosters empathy, and lets us view ourselves as part of a larger, diverse whole rather than as broken or defective.
In practice: Instead of thinking "I'm the only one who can't keep up," you remind yourself: "Struggling is part of the human experience. Many people with ADHD face similar challenges. I'm not alone in this."
3. Kindness
Kindness in self-compassion involves offering ourselves patience and understanding, particularly when things don't go as planned or when we make mistakes. Instead of harshly criticizing ourselves, we practice speaking to ourselves as we would a close friend or loved one—with warmth, encouragement, and empathy (Neff, 2021).
This is especially important for ADHDers who, after years of internalized judgment and criticism from a neurotypical world, may have developed harsh inner voices telling us we're "not good enough," "lazy," or "irresponsible."
Practicing kindness as a daily habit helps build resilience, treat ourselves with dignity, and move forward with greater confidence, even in the face of challenges.
In practice: When you procrastinate on an important task, instead of berating yourself with "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just do this?" you might say: "This is hard for my brain right now, and that's okay. I'm doing my best. What small step can I take?"
A Self-Compassion Exercise to Try
Here's a brief self-compassion practice you can use whenever you're struggling:
1. Find a Comfortable Position
Close your eyes or soften your gaze. Focus on your breath, noticing each inhale and exhale. Allow yourself to settle into this moment.
2. Recall a Challenge
Think of a recent stress, mistake, or difficulty. Bring it to mind gently, acknowledging the difficulty of the situation without judgment.
3. Imagine Speaking to a Loved One
Picture offering words of kindness to a friend or loved one facing the same challenge. What comforting, supportive words would you say to them?
4. Turn Kindness Inward
Now, direct those same words to yourself. You might say:
"It's okay. I'm doing my best right now."
"This is hard, and I'm allowed to struggle."
"I'm learning and growing, even when it doesn't feel like it."
5. Remember Shared Humanity
Remind yourself that you are not alone in your experience. Many others face similar struggles. Suffering and challenge are part of being human (Neff, 2018).
6. Close the Practice
Take a final deep breath and open your eyes whenever you're ready. Notice how you feel.
You can return to this practice whenever you need it—whether you're facing a setback, feeling overwhelmed, or simply need a moment of gentleness with yourself.
Self-Compassion in Counselling
As a counsellor, I've seen firsthand how transformative self-compassion can be for ADHDers. By shifting the focus from self-criticism to self-acceptance, it helps us reframe our experiences, embrace our strengths, and navigate challenges with kindness.
Incorporating self-compassion into therapy allows clients to move away from shame and toward a more affirming, empowered view of themselves and our neurodivergent community. It's not about lowering standards or making excuses—it's about treating yourself with the same dignity and compassion you'd offer anyone else facing similar struggles.
Self-compassion doesn't mean you stop trying or growing. It means you support yourself through the process with kindness rather than cruelty. And that makes all the difference.
Moving Forward with Self-Compassion
If you've spent years internalizing the message that your ADHD traits are deficits or that you're somehow "broken," self-compassion offers a path forward. It invites you to:
Challenge neuronormative expectations and embrace your neurodivergent identity
Treat yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a loved one
Recognize that struggling doesn't make you weak—it makes you human
Build resilience and confidence from a foundation of self-acceptance
You deserve compassion—especially from yourself. Your ADHD brain is not a problem to fix; it's a different way of experiencing the world, with its own strengths, creativity, and value.
If you'd like support developing self-compassion or working through ADHD-related challenges, therapy can provide a safe, affirming space to explore these practices and build a healthier relationship with yourself.
You are worthy of kindness. You are enough, exactly as you are.
References
Hanh, T. N. (2012). Fear: Essential wisdom through the storm. Unified Buddhist Church.
Neff, K., & Germer, C. K. (2018). The mindful self-compassion workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive. The Guilford Press.
Neff, K. (2021). Fierce self-compassion: How women can harness kindness to speak up, claim their power, and thrive. HarperWave, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
Saline, S. (2022, November 7). You are worthy of self-compassion: How to break the habit of internalized criticism. ADDitude. https://www.additudemag.com/self-compassion-practice-adhd-shame/
